to eriko 7

this weekend i found out im having a baby - currently at 5.5 weeks along. of all things that would happen to me this month, this would have been the last thing i expected. but of course this comes as a most pleasant surprise.

i circle it back to the man above again. he takes a precious life away from me in mid december and lets me ride through all the emotions of seeing a loved one wither before my eyes. the world with orange sun rays and clear blue skies nearly came to an end for me. but as i bid farewell to one life, i am given another life to welcome into my life. tell me, is this the most beautiful prank you have ever heard of?

since i learned of this news, all i can think of is you, eriko. this baby represents life and hope to me. this baby is a gift to me from you, and from all the miraculous energy in this world to symbolize that hope never dies. regardless of what we lose, what we go through, and how much pain we suffer, hope is the only constant that lives all around us.

i know its too early to be overly excited during the early weeks of pregnancy, but i am excited for this baby. this should be a september baby like you. i have these crazy ideas that perhaps this baby will be born on your birthday, and may even have the slightest chance of resembling your personality.

i love you eriko. the past few nights all i can think about is how i would have asked you to be my baby's god mother if you were still here. or how i would have sent my baby to japan during the summers to learn japanese with you. and finally ... i keep thinking about how i would have surprised you with with my answer when you blurted out, "do you have a baby yet?" during my last visit.

it makes me wonder ... did you already see this coming ? 

eriko, i want to protect this baby and my womb with all my might and strength. i will give this baby, and this pregnancy my all. this will be a healthy baby. this September baby will be my baby of hope, courage, and strength - exactly everything you embody. i love you so much eriko. you remind me that life is a circle always and ever changing. the only constants in life are hope, strength and courage, and with these we should live life to the fullest and live it with all your might while we still can.

for you, i will live better. i will make you so proud.

to eriko 6

eriko ga koishi.

a month after your passing, 

you're still in all our  minds and thoughts,

you're in all our conversations and exchanges.

i never thought i would miss saying this so so much but from my drunken days,
i have to say it once more these 3 words - 

eriko ga koishi...

to eriko 5

two nights ago i had a dream. i dreamt that you were studying abroad at San Diego State University.  at the end of your semester abroad, i realized i had barely spent any time with you. i drive around at the university to find the perfect parking spot, i go on foot looking for you, i try to ask the university which dormitory you're staying at. but i had absolutely no luck. then i realized, you must have already returned to japan. and as i walk back disappointed, it  finally dawned upon me that this could all be just a blur -  you had already passed away.

i woke up that morning feeling awful. i turned on music on my Pandora channel, and blasted it in the bathroom. i managed fine in the shower and suddenly had a burst of tears.

i still think of this dream days later. and it has dampened my mood the last few days. my friend said its hopeful thinking meeting reality in our dream. reality is awful enough. and unfortunately, i had to meet it again in my dreams - the only place where i looked forward to seeing you the last few weeks.

your 49th day is coming up. if i counted correctly, it should be feb 2nd in the US. yukie said within those 49 days you have the option to visit those you choose. were you that butterfly that swooped from above to my side weeks ago? i have never been happier seeing a butterfly in this winter weather. but you fluttered away so fast. in a blink of an eye, you were here, you were there, and then you were gone. thats how it has felt like the last 9 years. we can never be together in the same spot for too long. we were always destined to meet again down the road, because fate will never allow for us to catch up to each other for too long.

as strong as fate and this thing called destiny may be, it cant control how lively you are in my heart. in my heart, and in my mind, you live everyday through my memories and endless stories of you.

i love you eriko.

to eriko 4

today i uncovered something from my past. i didnt realize something that i had scribbled on 8 and a half years ago would further remind me of how special you are to me. its almost like this world is working its forces to steer me towards remembering you. this is what i found myself reading tonight:

i was 22 and had just returned from my year abroad in china with you. as the 2nd semester ended so did my relationship at the time. i thought my life was over. i was trying to nurse my pain. but i couldnt move on and i made mention to you through our late-night msn chats. i knew you were concerned because you showed up at my doorstep just 4 months after we said good bye in china.

those 2 weeks you visited were one of the most memorable times of my life. do you remember when i picked you up at the airport ?  i made a colorful sign with your name on it so we can easily spot each other at the airport. but i arrive close to an hour late ...and there was no one sitting at arrival but you. i was soooo happy to see you sitting there waiting for me !! i came in for a hug but the hug came with some bickering as well. i couldnt stop laughing at how upset you were but i deserved it.

you my met my family, my small group of friends, and saw what life was like for me. i took you to my university on days i couldnt take off, and you would fall asleep in the library while waiting for me. you agreed to visit my sister's high school although she was 15 years younger than you and i knew you'd be bored outta your mind. i felt so bad so i decided to drop you off at the musuems before class and pick you up around lunch. that morning i left you outside of the museums around 730am. by the time i picked you up around noon, you couldnt stop complaining about how cold you were waiting outside for the doors to open. it turns out the musuems dont open until 9am. i couldnt stop laughing in the car as you kept ranting about how cold you were.

eventually i took some time off school. we went to the malls, the pumpkin patch, the beach, the la costa golf course, hollywood, knotts scary farm, and finally santa monica. every minute with you was amazing. but i could never forget santa monica. that evening we strolled the promenade, visited, stores, restaurants, and bars.we both had a little too much alcohol in us and i offended you by saying something about the japanese. you got upset with me and we made such a scene. but before the night ended, before we visited the gay club, and before we urinated in an empty parking lot, we made up.  that night, we held hands in the back seat of my friends car, and we fell asleep hand in hand. the next morning, after i allowed everything to sink in, i apologized to you again.  i remember we had a pretty gay moment. i dont remember the conversation exactly. but im hoping i told you how important you were to me, how sorry i was to hurt you, and that i love you. we both got teary and we both hugged and made up.

to be honest, eriko, you are the only person i have ever had that many gay moments with. i always try to shake off all the gayness after we hug. but right now i crave so much for a hug.

we dont talk often about our feelings, but eriko, i really really hope you know this. you mean so much to me.
after you passed away, karin called me to inform me of your passing. i had already heard 2 days before from haruka. karin told me you will be one of the 5 people you meet in heaven, but i didnt want to meet you in heaven. i didnt want you to leave me now. i wanted to grow old with our friendship. i never told anyone this but deep down inside i was making plans to have kids, and sending them to japan to stay with you during the summer if you couldnt have kids of your own. i wanted to fulfill what you couldnt have on your own and make you happy in what ever ways i could. thats how often i think of you, and how much i care about you.

my appreciation and respect for you runs so deep, eriko. i love you so much - yesterday i did, today i do, tomorrow i will , and forever i will love you.

to eriko 3

last night i celebrated eriko.

it felt so good to tell everyone how much i love you,

and how important you were in every step of my life. 

i went over 500 photos of you with my mom and sister.

every photo brought a  little sourness to my heart,

but eventually a sweet smile to my face.

my sister couldnt hold her tears. 

my mom said shes had many people leaver her. 

but shes never felt pain in her heart until you left us, eriko.

i wanted to tell her i feel the same way. 

kokoro itai.

we watched the video you recorded in the hospice for them again. 

my heart melted as you  list off my mom, my husband, my sister, and my dog ...

sometimes i wonder what would you say to me if you recorded a video for me ...  

would you remember our days together in baoding, san diego, tokyo, beijing, ....

would you realize how deep my appreciation and love is for you ... 

initially i was so angry to be the last to know.

 i really wish i had the chance to maximize my time with you. 

but when i look through the photos from the hospice and the video,

i realize how fortunate i am to have those last moments with you.

you waited for me. 

and ever since that day, you've become a part of my daily life.

i am either thinking of you, looking at photos of you, 

videos of you, or talking bout you.  

its like you left, but you didnt leave the most important place - 

our hearts. our minds. 

its been 21 days since your passing and im starting to find strength again.

today i finally notified jiang qiao, and malagua. 

each time it hurts a little less and each time im a little stronger. 

i told malagua that i visited you at the hospice. 

you knew exactly what was ahead while i was still in denial.

but every minute i was there, you were all smiles and laughter.

not even a little trace of pain or sadness.

malagua said you have so much courage.这就是她-好大的勇气

i couldnt have said it better myself. 

 the most courageous person i know.

when i first arrived at the hospice you told me you didnt want my heart to worry. 

at the moment i couldnt find the right words, but i want to tell you now

you are by far the strongest, most positive person i know.

my heart never worries for you. my heart just wants to care for you, eriko.

i love you always.

to eriko 2

There are so many things I want to say to you, and sometimes it just wants to burst right out of me. Because of our language barrier, there were often too many things that were just omitted from our conversations. I never talked about my feelings with you. But did you know exactly how much you meant to me?

You provided a comfort zone for me in China. That one year, alone in my dorm room, with the smallest circle of friends in a foreign country, felt so warm to me, and that warmth lingers even til now when I reflect on it. And I often reflect on China. Sure I think of how magnificent the Great Wall is, or how grand the Forbidden City is. But my most valuable experience in China is nonetheless, friendship.

I remember I thought to myself - I have never experienced friendship to this level before.  After school I would follow you and the rest to your dorm room, and there we would eat lunch together, share Japanese snacks and tea. On numerous nights, Mika would cook us dinner and we would gather in your room and share the meal over a pleasant conversation followed by snacks and tea again. Most of the time, I didnt understand the conversations in Japanese, but you were patient enough to teach me. And by the end of the year, I had Japanese under my belt. I would have just shy away and had many meals alone, but suddenly, I now had friends in China. And these friends never minded that I never had much to contribute over lunch or dinner. They took me in for meals, encouraged me to play volleyball for the school, convinced me to take calligraphy with them, and visited me when I fell ill. They always took me in. These friends never judged me.

That year I always talked about escaping from reality - escaping from a capitalistic society, escaping from pressure at school, from relationships, and alienation at home. But after that year, after spending an entire year with some of the greatest people like you, it prepared me for reality. And I want to thank you so much for loving me, for caring for me, and of all the people there that year- thank you for choosing me to be friends with. I can never thank you enough, because China would not have been the same without you, eriko.

to eriko 1

It has been 18 days since you left. In the last 18 days, my nephew turned 7. Christmas came and Christmas left. The old year passed, and in came the new. But I couldn’t find sheer joy in any of these occasions. My mind has been flooded with thoughts of you – when we first met, everything in between, and when we last met. I have been doing a little better each day, but realistically, my mind has been stuck in my memories of you.

I often think of how we met in China, and the circumstances that allowed us to meet. We had a 9 year age gap, a language barrier, and from two very different parts of the world. We would not meet in school because you were in beginner Chinese and I was placed in intermediate and later advance. We would not meet in any social events because you hung out with primarily Japanese people, and I stuck with the Americans and Canadians. I never noticed you at school or passed by you on the streets of our campus. But fate was something you and I have no control over. And perhaps it was just meant for our paths to cross, our lives to intertwine, and our souls to meet. That September night of 2004, had you not attended Karin’s party in our dorm room, I would have never met you, and I would not have realized you lived just across from me. That autumn festival celebration, had you chosen to sit at a different table than ours, I would not have drank with you and realize what a character you were.  Logically speaking, our friendship should have never formed. But given these circumstances, it did, and it was so deep, I still feel it through my bones, and it touches every bit of my soul. These are the thoughts that constantly run through my mind, and they are the very thoughts that dominate while I lay in the night.


Some nights I am real tired. I don't know how to shake off these thoughts of you. And every morning, I start over again. I wake up coming to a new realization that you have left, and throughout the day I comfort myself, convincing myself again to embrace this truth. And this resets as a new day begins.

eriko

this blog begins as my trial version of Microsoft word expires...

my first post was actually composed 18 days ago.

after losing a close friend, i needed an outlet to express

so i dont have as many occasional outbursts. 

i arrive in tokyo, japan full of excitement and ready for mika's wedding. the day before i leave for the wedding in fukushima i visited an old friend. she had not replied to any of my emails for the last month and i was starting to get aggravated at her. rumor was she was 'not feeling well' and did not want to see anyone. finally, in tokyo, i called her husband and he agreed to let me see her.  he picked me up at the train station and i was looking forward to seeing their house. but he was driving me towards a different direction. before i know it, we parked right in front of a medical facility.

as i walked in, i saw laying helplessly in bed was eriko. i had not seen her since my wedding in may 2011. two years and seven months have passed, and now i could barely recognize her. she was all skin and bones and her face had sunken into her cheek bones. she could not have weighed more than 60 or 70lbs. i immediately ran over to her bed side to give her a hug and i could feel her shoulder blade protrude from behind. she embraced me with whatever strength she had left and started to choke up. i told her i missed her so much and that i love her so much. she could not stop weeping. she kept pointing to her heart, symbolizing she was so 'kando,' touched & moved to see me. i wiped away her tears and told her its ok , theres no reason to cry and to smile now that i am here.

i sat down beside her bed and again tears filled her eyes as she told me how sorry she was and that she did not want me to worry for her. she continued and apologized she could not take me to fukushima for mika's wedding. tears kept rolling down her cheeks. i held her hand and told her it was all okay. everything will be okay.

as she was talking i was still in disbelief of the sight. i could see blood seeping through her teeth. and i could hear how breathless she was in her voice. i tried so hard to look beyond that and smile in front of her. i did not want to cry in front of her and make her more worried. i smiled and tried my best to make her laugh. we joked about how idiotic i was in japan. i had booked a korean hotel in korea town, one of the most unsafe cities in tokyo. and we laughed at how silly i was - how every japanese restaurant i dined at near my korean hotel were owned by chinese chefs. that day i was there for 2 hours and she gave me whatever energy she had left. as we were talking, i can see her falling in and out of sleep. i tried so hard to hold back my tears. but i could see she was exhausted. and she barely touched her lunch. several times during the visit, i forced pinches on my own thigh in order to contain my emotions. i didnt want her to have to worry for me. before i left, i gave her a big hug , i told her i love her so much and  i will come back to visit her after the wedding in fukushima . she told me 'wo deng ni.' i will wait for you. we both smiled and her husband walked me out. as we were walking, he told me, eriko has been staying in the hospice for a while now. it was then i took the first blow - my thoughts  - hospice. terminal. and the final blow - he said she only had one month left. i suddenly felt a knot in my chest being pulled at both ends tighter and tighter...and tighter. i could no longer ignore what i just heard. my legs fell to weakness and in the middle of the busy street, i  immediately fell to the ground and couldnt control my tears. that moment would mark the first of my many bursts.  i stood up, wiped away my tears and apologized to her husband. I told him "kokoro itai'' my  heart hurt. He nodded and we continued to walk. 

at mika's wedding the next morning all i could think about was eriko. all i could think about was how painful mika would be if she found out. no one told mika of this news because she was soon to be wed. during the reception me , haruka, and yoko cried. it was suppose to be tears of joy, but all we could think bout was how this reunion was missing eriko and how all future reunions would be missing eriko. it was such a beautiful wedding, but i couldnt differentiate my own tears - whether they were tears of joy or agony.

a day after the wedding in fukushima, i arrived back in tokyo. i waited at the same train station in  Gotanda,  and waited for her husband to pick me up. i was so nervous and so excited to see her again. i knew every moment i had with her was timed, and was so delicate and precious. this time i arrived with a present for her mom. i bought her 'kyu ri' or cucumber. eriko laughed hard because she knew the meaning behind this. 'kyu ri' was the first japanese word eriko taught me in baoding, china in 2004. i handed the kyu ri to her mother and said 'mama, korewa kyu ri desu.' that was the very first sentence eriko taught me in japanese. and i repeated it over and over again everytime i saw cucumber in china. and with all the energy eriko had, she bursted out laughing. that night she was in good spirits and had good appetite. after dinner i showed her video clips that i recorded of mika's wedding. i knew it would make her laugh as i recorded it for that purpose. in the video clip, mika and her husband was in the middle of a very serious japanese ceremony and i zoomed my camera directly at her breasts because eriko always says her 'opai' breasts are too big for a wedding dress. i heard her 2nd burst of laughter while watching that video. that night i heard her laughter over and over again.  i love the ringing sound of eriko's laughter and seeing her smile. she was the most beautiful person in that room and i could not stop staring at her beauty and graciousness. she was in an especially good joking mood. i went to use her restroom, and she told her husband and yoko to pry open the door on me while i was in the restroom and to take photos of me. fortunately, i locked the door but they gave no mercy . she grilled me on how my load was. she was sick in bed but her mind was still like a child. she has not changed since Da Bai Lo, china ,and i love her for that. Before i left, she requested to record a video for my  mom. She wanted to say hi to my mom, my husband, my sister, and chicken. In the video she didnt want to send any signs of sadness, she was pure humor and all you could hear was her breathless laughter. 

Saying good bye that night was so hard for me. i hugged her, and told her how much i will miss her and how much I love her. i told her " i love you." she said "i love you too."  i said "i love you  more." she said "i love you more." i said "i love you  more more" she said "i love you more more..." back and forth we went. parting has never been harder. I held her hand and  told her I will see her soon. I saw the emptiness in her eyes . She said ok and smiled. As me and yoko headed to the door, her husband handed us our coats. the zipper on my coat was jammed. yoko bent over to help me zip my coat up. as a last attempt to see eriko laugh again, i forced yoko's head closer to my crotch. eriko laughed at the sight and quickly took out her iPhone and captured the moment.  As her husband opened the door for us, i ran back for one last hug with her. i held her hands and said "i will see you soon ok?" she just smiled and nodded. Her husband took me and yoko back to the Gotanda train station and as i stood there waiting for the train, yoko said "hanna - last chance meet eriko. we worry you. are you ok ?" i dont know how could anyone be okay. i could not hold back my tears and neither could yoko. we love this friend too much to let her go.

the next morning before my flight, I wanted to hear her voice again. I called eriko. I told her i was leaving. I told her I love her. i told her I will see her soon. and i told her what i used to say all the time when i was drunk in china 'eriko ga koishi.' i miss eriko. and that was the last thing i said to her. 

from the moment i boarded the plane til i arrived in San Diego i never stopped crying. i started to make plans to go back to Tokyo for christmas. i miss her so much. But as i was making these plans, the man above had a greater plan for eriko. 5 days after i returned to San Diego, on Sunday evening I got news that eriko had passed. 

It has been 4 days since I learned of this news. the last 4 days have gone by so slow. I have been trying to handle my emotions... trying to process and accept it. some days i just want to cry, some days i want to drink, and on rare days i am completely fine. i tell myself eriko was such a ball of happiness and she would only want her people to be positive and enjoy life. 

i try to focus on work, try to socialize, try to go out and enjoy, but deep down in side it hurts. and when night comes, when i turn off the lights for bed, when there are no noises to distract me, i lay in bed and think of eriko. i think of my last words to her. my last hug. i think of her last smile and her last laughter. i think of her eyes and how beautiful she was even while hooked to the iv and with assisted breathing. she was the most beautiful face i have ever seen.

the last 4 days, i keep reminding myself of my memories with her. my worst fear of losing her finally became reality. now i was fearing that one day i would forget her and she would be lost in my memories. there has not been a day that has gone by that i have allowed myself to not think of her. and i have not allowed myself to sleep through the night without waking up in the middle of it to think bout her. i  remember how i met her at Da Bai Lo. It was over a shot of tequila. that night i filled my fridge with all blue star beer from baoding and had a bottle of tequila for karin's birthday. I never met eriko before but she joined the  birthday party as if it were her own and together we drank, and we got drunk. the most unlikely friendship formed that night between a japanese and an american. we had a 9 year age gap, and communicated with our broken chinese, but this friendship lasted throughout the years. she made my cold and lonely year in baoding memorable. i had lunch with her and her japanese friends mika, haruka, yoko. they didnt mind that i didnt speak japnese and they didnt mind that i mooch off them. they were glad to cook for me, share their japanese snacks with  me,  and share their lunches with me. 

i will always remember how thoughtful eriko was to me in china. she saw me throwing away my tennis shoes and didnt understand why. i told her they were dirty and i needed new shoes. she told me shoes can be washed and cleaned. this concept was new to me. but before you know it, days later, she returned my tennis shoes to me and they were like brand new. memories like that are endless with her. she knew i was preparing for an exam and she would put a little paper oragami box filled with aroma therapy so that it would help me focus. and the day before the exam, she sliced me apples to ensure i had enough energy to travel to beijing for the exam. and on nights where i was bored outta my mind, i would indulge in alochol, and find myself laying in her bed chatting and falling asleep in the presence of each other's body heat. and on some nights we would cuddle because sometimes thats just how lonely a foreign country could be. so many little memories like that with eriko are so embedded in my mind. and our bond has been deeply embedded in my soul. she showed me how to love and care for someone. to an american, this is strange. i was used to being selfish, independent, and only taking care of myself and my feelings. she may not know it, but not only was she my closest friend, but she was also someone who i always looked up to for light,  and for strength. she taught me to be courageous, to be selfless, to love, to share, and most importantly, through example she taught me to  live without hesitation. 

after china, i missed her and i didnt know where the friendship was going to go...maybe to an end i thought. to my surprise 4 months right after china, she came to visit me in san diego. i had just broken up with my boyfriend at the time and was having little hope in life. she told me she was worried about me. but i never guessed she would show up in san diego. she was the highlight that october of 2005.  and 2 years later i showed up at her doorstep in tokyo. i knew she was so busy with  her job. but she always made time for me. she threw me a big reunion party at her apartment and made me feel so welcomed and so loved that week. when she had to work, she took me to her news station, showed me her work, her station, her script , and she introduced me to her coworkers, and her partner. i was so impressed. i never knew  how serious her job was and i realize how important she was. at that moment, i was so proud to be her friend and so honored that she fit me in her busy schedule. and thats how our friendship continued. we  made time for each other. whether it was in san diego, japan or china, we'd make the effort and fit it into our schedule. and everytime we met, we would laugh together, cry together, and we would make fun of each other. we would enjoy every moment together. and everytime we said good bye there were always tears in her eyes. no matter how she teased me  or how she joked with me, she was always a softy inside.

i finally learned about her cancer when we were in china together in 2010, or as eriko called it hanna and eriko's honeymoon. it was a short reunion but during that trip, she told me she had just removed one of her ovaries because it was cancerous.  her eyes were lit with  hope as she told me about her battle and her survival. she told me she was saving her other ovary for a baby in the future. that was her dream,  her only dream. i was impressed with her story and so amused with her dream. i told her i believe in her and her destiny. i told her i cant wait to see her become a mom. i promised her i would visit her and her baby in japan when that day comes. i told her "yakusoku mamoru" i will keep this promise i said. ill never forget that heart wrenching moment as tears filled her eyes and we embraced. but as  life would have its ways, it is just full of ironies. and this one i cannot seem to forgive.   

this has been the hardest news for me to accept. there has not been a day that has gone by that i did not cry, hurt, and curse cancer. sometimes life is one of the most gracious givers, and sometimes it can be the most merciless taker.  i try telling myself that eriko, being the joker she is with me, has played the ultimate joke on me this time. she wants me to remember her for life. she left first because she knows she will live in my mind and heart forever. it makes me feel better when i think of it from this angle. the good always leave young and her mission is complete - to bring joy in peoples lives, and to fill the voids in  our hearts with warmth and love. she has touched the lives of everyone she encountered. and now she has found her own peace. the time has come for the man above to request for his angel to return to his side.  

as much as i am currently hurting,  i also cannot deny that i definitely lucked out. i am so humbled and so fortunate to be blessed with her friendship.

i always love her and she will always live in my heart. 

December 20, 2013