to eriko 3

last night i celebrated eriko.

it felt so good to tell everyone how much i love you,

and how important you were in every step of my life. 

i went over 500 photos of you with my mom and sister.

every photo brought a  little sourness to my heart,

but eventually a sweet smile to my face.

my sister couldnt hold her tears. 

my mom said shes had many people leaver her. 

but shes never felt pain in her heart until you left us, eriko.

i wanted to tell her i feel the same way. 

kokoro itai.

we watched the video you recorded in the hospice for them again. 

my heart melted as you  list off my mom, my husband, my sister, and my dog ...

sometimes i wonder what would you say to me if you recorded a video for me ...  

would you remember our days together in baoding, san diego, tokyo, beijing, ....

would you realize how deep my appreciation and love is for you ... 

initially i was so angry to be the last to know.

 i really wish i had the chance to maximize my time with you. 

but when i look through the photos from the hospice and the video,

i realize how fortunate i am to have those last moments with you.

you waited for me. 

and ever since that day, you've become a part of my daily life.

i am either thinking of you, looking at photos of you, 

videos of you, or talking bout you.  

its like you left, but you didnt leave the most important place - 

our hearts. our minds. 

its been 21 days since your passing and im starting to find strength again.

today i finally notified jiang qiao, and malagua. 

each time it hurts a little less and each time im a little stronger. 

i told malagua that i visited you at the hospice. 

you knew exactly what was ahead while i was still in denial.

but every minute i was there, you were all smiles and laughter.

not even a little trace of pain or sadness.

malagua said you have so much courage.这就是她-好大的勇气

i couldnt have said it better myself. 

 the most courageous person i know.

when i first arrived at the hospice you told me you didnt want my heart to worry. 

at the moment i couldnt find the right words, but i want to tell you now

you are by far the strongest, most positive person i know.

my heart never worries for you. my heart just wants to care for you, eriko.

i love you always.