to eriko 8

i havent written in the last months.

the pregnancy has kept me sick and lethargic.

i told myself i will survive this pregnancy.

your strength will help me overcome it. 

i know this baby is a gift. 

had it arrived any time last year,

i would not have gone to japan to see you.

this baby arrives right after your passing. 

to me, its a sign of hope, of life, and of strength. 

all of which you embodied. 

and i will continue to carry on.

this week i contacted tatsuhiko. 

i sent him a link to all your photos and videos on line. 

i hesitated for months to send it or not. 

i did not want to open his wound again. 

quite frankly, i didnt want to open my wounds again.

in the last months, it has been so hard for me to see photos of you

though you were out of sight, you were never out of mind. 

so i finally found the courage to message tatsuhiko. 

i wanted him to see all the photos and all the videos.

through these memories, he would realize how much joy you were to me.

you brought me the greatest happiness in my darkest days. 

i knew he would send a response to my message. 

i waited with anxiety. 

i knew this initial contact between he and i

will uncover alot of memories and pain for us both.

tatsuhiko's response arrived with my heartbreaking.

he told me he was okay.

he told me he talks to you everyday but you no longer talk back. 

i couldnt get past his message without tears. 

there is not a person who does not love you, eriko.

though you are gone, you left such a deep impression on everyone.

something about you that makes everyone want to fall in love with you,

and dance around your youthful vibe and aura. 

you have been gone for over 3 months. 

and still you cross my mind numerous times a day.

i can only imagine what it is like for tatsuhiko. 

you will always be in my heart and prayers.

and i will always pray and hope tatsuhiko finds peace and strength. 

i know thats what you want. for us all to live well. 

i love you eriko. 

to eriko 7

this weekend i found out im having a baby - currently at 5.5 weeks along. of all things that would happen to me this month, this would have been the last thing i expected. but of course this comes as a most pleasant surprise.

i circle it back to the man above again. he takes a precious life away from me in mid december and lets me ride through all the emotions of seeing a loved one wither before my eyes. the world with orange sun rays and clear blue skies nearly came to an end for me. but as i bid farewell to one life, i am given another life to welcome into my life. tell me, is this the most beautiful prank you have ever heard of?

since i learned of this news, all i can think of is you, eriko. this baby represents life and hope to me. this baby is a gift to me from you, and from all the miraculous energy in this world to symbolize that hope never dies. regardless of what we lose, what we go through, and how much pain we suffer, hope is the only constant that lives all around us.

i know its too early to be overly excited during the early weeks of pregnancy, but i am excited for this baby. this should be a september baby like you. i have these crazy ideas that perhaps this baby will be born on your birthday, and may even have the slightest chance of resembling your personality.

i love you eriko. the past few nights all i can think about is how i would have asked you to be my baby's god mother if you were still here. or how i would have sent my baby to japan during the summers to learn japanese with you. and finally ... i keep thinking about how i would have surprised you with with my answer when you blurted out, "do you have a baby yet?" during my last visit.

it makes me wonder ... did you already see this coming ? 

eriko, i want to protect this baby and my womb with all my might and strength. i will give this baby, and this pregnancy my all. this will be a healthy baby. this September baby will be my baby of hope, courage, and strength - exactly everything you embody. i love you so much eriko. you remind me that life is a circle always and ever changing. the only constants in life are hope, strength and courage, and with these we should live life to the fullest and live it with all your might while we still can.

for you, i will live better. i will make you so proud.

to eriko 6

eriko ga koishi.

a month after your passing, 

you're still in all our  minds and thoughts,

you're in all our conversations and exchanges.

i never thought i would miss saying this so so much but from my drunken days,
i have to say it once more these 3 words - 

eriko ga koishi...

to eriko 5

two nights ago i had a dream. i dreamt that you were studying abroad at San Diego State University.  at the end of your semester abroad, i realized i had barely spent any time with you. i drive around at the university to find the perfect parking spot, i go on foot looking for you, i try to ask the university which dormitory you're staying at. but i had absolutely no luck. then i realized, you must have already returned to japan. and as i walk back disappointed, it  finally dawned upon me that this could all be just a blur -  you had already passed away.

i woke up that morning feeling awful. i turned on music on my Pandora channel, and blasted it in the bathroom. i managed fine in the shower and suddenly had a burst of tears.

i still think of this dream days later. and it has dampened my mood the last few days. my friend said its hopeful thinking meeting reality in our dream. reality is awful enough. and unfortunately, i had to meet it again in my dreams - the only place where i looked forward to seeing you the last few weeks.

your 49th day is coming up. if i counted correctly, it should be feb 2nd in the US. yukie said within those 49 days you have the option to visit those you choose. were you that butterfly that swooped from above to my side weeks ago? i have never been happier seeing a butterfly in this winter weather. but you fluttered away so fast. in a blink of an eye, you were here, you were there, and then you were gone. thats how it has felt like the last 9 years. we can never be together in the same spot for too long. we were always destined to meet again down the road, because fate will never allow for us to catch up to each other for too long.

as strong as fate and this thing called destiny may be, it cant control how lively you are in my heart. in my heart, and in my mind, you live everyday through my memories and endless stories of you.

i love you eriko.

to eriko 4

today i uncovered something from my past. i didnt realize something that i had scribbled on 8 and a half years ago would further remind me of how special you are to me. its almost like this world is working its forces to steer me towards remembering you. this is what i found myself reading tonight:

i was 22 and had just returned from my year abroad in china with you. as the 2nd semester ended so did my relationship at the time. i thought my life was over. i was trying to nurse my pain. but i couldnt move on and i made mention to you through our late-night msn chats. i knew you were concerned because you showed up at my doorstep just 4 months after we said good bye in china.

those 2 weeks you visited were one of the most memorable times of my life. do you remember when i picked you up at the airport ?  i made a colorful sign with your name on it so we can easily spot each other at the airport. but i arrive close to an hour late ...and there was no one sitting at arrival but you. i was soooo happy to see you sitting there waiting for me !! i came in for a hug but the hug came with some bickering as well. i couldnt stop laughing at how upset you were but i deserved it.

you my met my family, my small group of friends, and saw what life was like for me. i took you to my university on days i couldnt take off, and you would fall asleep in the library while waiting for me. you agreed to visit my sister's high school although she was 15 years younger than you and i knew you'd be bored outta your mind. i felt so bad so i decided to drop you off at the musuems before class and pick you up around lunch. that morning i left you outside of the museums around 730am. by the time i picked you up around noon, you couldnt stop complaining about how cold you were waiting outside for the doors to open. it turns out the musuems dont open until 9am. i couldnt stop laughing in the car as you kept ranting about how cold you were.

eventually i took some time off school. we went to the malls, the pumpkin patch, the beach, the la costa golf course, hollywood, knotts scary farm, and finally santa monica. every minute with you was amazing. but i could never forget santa monica. that evening we strolled the promenade, visited, stores, restaurants, and bars.we both had a little too much alcohol in us and i offended you by saying something about the japanese. you got upset with me and we made such a scene. but before the night ended, before we visited the gay club, and before we urinated in an empty parking lot, we made up.  that night, we held hands in the back seat of my friends car, and we fell asleep hand in hand. the next morning, after i allowed everything to sink in, i apologized to you again.  i remember we had a pretty gay moment. i dont remember the conversation exactly. but im hoping i told you how important you were to me, how sorry i was to hurt you, and that i love you. we both got teary and we both hugged and made up.

to be honest, eriko, you are the only person i have ever had that many gay moments with. i always try to shake off all the gayness after we hug. but right now i crave so much for a hug.

we dont talk often about our feelings, but eriko, i really really hope you know this. you mean so much to me.
after you passed away, karin called me to inform me of your passing. i had already heard 2 days before from haruka. karin told me you will be one of the 5 people you meet in heaven, but i didnt want to meet you in heaven. i didnt want you to leave me now. i wanted to grow old with our friendship. i never told anyone this but deep down inside i was making plans to have kids, and sending them to japan to stay with you during the summer if you couldnt have kids of your own. i wanted to fulfill what you couldnt have on your own and make you happy in what ever ways i could. thats how often i think of you, and how much i care about you.

my appreciation and respect for you runs so deep, eriko. i love you so much - yesterday i did, today i do, tomorrow i will , and forever i will love you.

to eriko 3

last night i celebrated eriko.

it felt so good to tell everyone how much i love you,

and how important you were in every step of my life. 

i went over 500 photos of you with my mom and sister.

every photo brought a  little sourness to my heart,

but eventually a sweet smile to my face.

my sister couldnt hold her tears. 

my mom said shes had many people leaver her. 

but shes never felt pain in her heart until you left us, eriko.

i wanted to tell her i feel the same way. 

kokoro itai.

we watched the video you recorded in the hospice for them again. 

my heart melted as you  list off my mom, my husband, my sister, and my dog ...

sometimes i wonder what would you say to me if you recorded a video for me ...  

would you remember our days together in baoding, san diego, tokyo, beijing, ....

would you realize how deep my appreciation and love is for you ... 

initially i was so angry to be the last to know.

 i really wish i had the chance to maximize my time with you. 

but when i look through the photos from the hospice and the video,

i realize how fortunate i am to have those last moments with you.

you waited for me. 

and ever since that day, you've become a part of my daily life.

i am either thinking of you, looking at photos of you, 

videos of you, or talking bout you.  

its like you left, but you didnt leave the most important place - 

our hearts. our minds. 

its been 21 days since your passing and im starting to find strength again.

today i finally notified jiang qiao, and malagua. 

each time it hurts a little less and each time im a little stronger. 

i told malagua that i visited you at the hospice. 

you knew exactly what was ahead while i was still in denial.

but every minute i was there, you were all smiles and laughter.

not even a little trace of pain or sadness.

malagua said you have so much courage.这就是她-好大的勇气

i couldnt have said it better myself. 

 the most courageous person i know.

when i first arrived at the hospice you told me you didnt want my heart to worry. 

at the moment i couldnt find the right words, but i want to tell you now

you are by far the strongest, most positive person i know.

my heart never worries for you. my heart just wants to care for you, eriko.

i love you always.

to eriko 2

There are so many things I want to say to you, and sometimes it just wants to burst right out of me. Because of our language barrier, there were often too many things that were just omitted from our conversations. I never talked about my feelings with you. But did you know exactly how much you meant to me?

You provided a comfort zone for me in China. That one year, alone in my dorm room, with the smallest circle of friends in a foreign country, felt so warm to me, and that warmth lingers even til now when I reflect on it. And I often reflect on China. Sure I think of how magnificent the Great Wall is, or how grand the Forbidden City is. But my most valuable experience in China is nonetheless, friendship.

I remember I thought to myself - I have never experienced friendship to this level before.  After school I would follow you and the rest to your dorm room, and there we would eat lunch together, share Japanese snacks and tea. On numerous nights, Mika would cook us dinner and we would gather in your room and share the meal over a pleasant conversation followed by snacks and tea again. Most of the time, I didnt understand the conversations in Japanese, but you were patient enough to teach me. And by the end of the year, I had Japanese under my belt. I would have just shy away and had many meals alone, but suddenly, I now had friends in China. And these friends never minded that I never had much to contribute over lunch or dinner. They took me in for meals, encouraged me to play volleyball for the school, convinced me to take calligraphy with them, and visited me when I fell ill. They always took me in. These friends never judged me.

That year I always talked about escaping from reality - escaping from a capitalistic society, escaping from pressure at school, from relationships, and alienation at home. But after that year, after spending an entire year with some of the greatest people like you, it prepared me for reality. And I want to thank you so much for loving me, for caring for me, and of all the people there that year- thank you for choosing me to be friends with. I can never thank you enough, because China would not have been the same without you, eriko.