to eriko 4

today i uncovered something from my past. i didnt realize something that i had scribbled on 8 and a half years ago would further remind me of how special you are to me. its almost like this world is working its forces to steer me towards remembering you. this is what i found myself reading tonight:

i was 22 and had just returned from my year abroad in china with you. as the 2nd semester ended so did my relationship at the time. i thought my life was over. i was trying to nurse my pain. but i couldnt move on and i made mention to you through our late-night msn chats. i knew you were concerned because you showed up at my doorstep just 4 months after we said good bye in china.

those 2 weeks you visited were one of the most memorable times of my life. do you remember when i picked you up at the airport ?  i made a colorful sign with your name on it so we can easily spot each other at the airport. but i arrive close to an hour late ...and there was no one sitting at arrival but you. i was soooo happy to see you sitting there waiting for me !! i came in for a hug but the hug came with some bickering as well. i couldnt stop laughing at how upset you were but i deserved it.

you my met my family, my small group of friends, and saw what life was like for me. i took you to my university on days i couldnt take off, and you would fall asleep in the library while waiting for me. you agreed to visit my sister's high school although she was 15 years younger than you and i knew you'd be bored outta your mind. i felt so bad so i decided to drop you off at the musuems before class and pick you up around lunch. that morning i left you outside of the museums around 730am. by the time i picked you up around noon, you couldnt stop complaining about how cold you were waiting outside for the doors to open. it turns out the musuems dont open until 9am. i couldnt stop laughing in the car as you kept ranting about how cold you were.

eventually i took some time off school. we went to the malls, the pumpkin patch, the beach, the la costa golf course, hollywood, knotts scary farm, and finally santa monica. every minute with you was amazing. but i could never forget santa monica. that evening we strolled the promenade, visited, stores, restaurants, and bars.we both had a little too much alcohol in us and i offended you by saying something about the japanese. you got upset with me and we made such a scene. but before the night ended, before we visited the gay club, and before we urinated in an empty parking lot, we made up.  that night, we held hands in the back seat of my friends car, and we fell asleep hand in hand. the next morning, after i allowed everything to sink in, i apologized to you again.  i remember we had a pretty gay moment. i dont remember the conversation exactly. but im hoping i told you how important you were to me, how sorry i was to hurt you, and that i love you. we both got teary and we both hugged and made up.

to be honest, eriko, you are the only person i have ever had that many gay moments with. i always try to shake off all the gayness after we hug. but right now i crave so much for a hug.

we dont talk often about our feelings, but eriko, i really really hope you know this. you mean so much to me.
after you passed away, karin called me to inform me of your passing. i had already heard 2 days before from haruka. karin told me you will be one of the 5 people you meet in heaven, but i didnt want to meet you in heaven. i didnt want you to leave me now. i wanted to grow old with our friendship. i never told anyone this but deep down inside i was making plans to have kids, and sending them to japan to stay with you during the summer if you couldnt have kids of your own. i wanted to fulfill what you couldnt have on your own and make you happy in what ever ways i could. thats how often i think of you, and how much i care about you.

my appreciation and respect for you runs so deep, eriko. i love you so much - yesterday i did, today i do, tomorrow i will , and forever i will love you.