two nights ago i had a dream. i dreamt that you were studying abroad at San Diego State University. at the end of your semester abroad, i realized i had barely spent any time with you. i drive around at the university to find the perfect parking spot, i go on foot looking for you, i try to ask the university which dormitory you're staying at. but i had absolutely no luck. then i realized, you must have already returned to japan. and as i walk back disappointed, it finally dawned upon me that this could all be just a blur - you had already passed away.
i woke up that morning feeling awful. i turned on music on my Pandora channel, and blasted it in the bathroom. i managed fine in the shower and suddenly had a burst of tears.
i still think of this dream days later. and it has dampened my mood the last few days. my friend said its hopeful thinking meeting reality in our dream. reality is awful enough. and unfortunately, i had to meet it again in my dreams - the only place where i looked forward to seeing you the last few weeks.
your 49th day is coming up. if i counted correctly, it should be feb 2nd in the US. yukie said within those 49 days you have the option to visit those you choose. were you that butterfly that swooped from above to my side weeks ago? i have never been happier seeing a butterfly in this winter weather. but you fluttered away so fast. in a blink of an eye, you were here, you were there, and then you were gone. thats how it has felt like the last 9 years. we can never be together in the same spot for too long. we were always destined to meet again down the road, because fate will never allow for us to catch up to each other for too long.
as strong as fate and this thing called destiny may be, it cant control how lively you are in my heart. in my heart, and in my mind, you live everyday through my memories and endless stories of you.
i love you eriko.
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