eriko

this blog begins as my trial version of Microsoft word expires...

my first post was actually composed 18 days ago.

after losing a close friend, i needed an outlet to express

so i dont have as many occasional outbursts. 

i arrive in tokyo, japan full of excitement and ready for mika's wedding. the day before i leave for the wedding in fukushima i visited an old friend. she had not replied to any of my emails for the last month and i was starting to get aggravated at her. rumor was she was 'not feeling well' and did not want to see anyone. finally, in tokyo, i called her husband and he agreed to let me see her.  he picked me up at the train station and i was looking forward to seeing their house. but he was driving me towards a different direction. before i know it, we parked right in front of a medical facility.

as i walked in, i saw laying helplessly in bed was eriko. i had not seen her since my wedding in may 2011. two years and seven months have passed, and now i could barely recognize her. she was all skin and bones and her face had sunken into her cheek bones. she could not have weighed more than 60 or 70lbs. i immediately ran over to her bed side to give her a hug and i could feel her shoulder blade protrude from behind. she embraced me with whatever strength she had left and started to choke up. i told her i missed her so much and that i love her so much. she could not stop weeping. she kept pointing to her heart, symbolizing she was so 'kando,' touched & moved to see me. i wiped away her tears and told her its ok , theres no reason to cry and to smile now that i am here.

i sat down beside her bed and again tears filled her eyes as she told me how sorry she was and that she did not want me to worry for her. she continued and apologized she could not take me to fukushima for mika's wedding. tears kept rolling down her cheeks. i held her hand and told her it was all okay. everything will be okay.

as she was talking i was still in disbelief of the sight. i could see blood seeping through her teeth. and i could hear how breathless she was in her voice. i tried so hard to look beyond that and smile in front of her. i did not want to cry in front of her and make her more worried. i smiled and tried my best to make her laugh. we joked about how idiotic i was in japan. i had booked a korean hotel in korea town, one of the most unsafe cities in tokyo. and we laughed at how silly i was - how every japanese restaurant i dined at near my korean hotel were owned by chinese chefs. that day i was there for 2 hours and she gave me whatever energy she had left. as we were talking, i can see her falling in and out of sleep. i tried so hard to hold back my tears. but i could see she was exhausted. and she barely touched her lunch. several times during the visit, i forced pinches on my own thigh in order to contain my emotions. i didnt want her to have to worry for me. before i left, i gave her a big hug , i told her i love her so much and  i will come back to visit her after the wedding in fukushima . she told me 'wo deng ni.' i will wait for you. we both smiled and her husband walked me out. as we were walking, he told me, eriko has been staying in the hospice for a while now. it was then i took the first blow - my thoughts  - hospice. terminal. and the final blow - he said she only had one month left. i suddenly felt a knot in my chest being pulled at both ends tighter and tighter...and tighter. i could no longer ignore what i just heard. my legs fell to weakness and in the middle of the busy street, i  immediately fell to the ground and couldnt control my tears. that moment would mark the first of my many bursts.  i stood up, wiped away my tears and apologized to her husband. I told him "kokoro itai'' my  heart hurt. He nodded and we continued to walk. 

at mika's wedding the next morning all i could think about was eriko. all i could think about was how painful mika would be if she found out. no one told mika of this news because she was soon to be wed. during the reception me , haruka, and yoko cried. it was suppose to be tears of joy, but all we could think bout was how this reunion was missing eriko and how all future reunions would be missing eriko. it was such a beautiful wedding, but i couldnt differentiate my own tears - whether they were tears of joy or agony.

a day after the wedding in fukushima, i arrived back in tokyo. i waited at the same train station in  Gotanda,  and waited for her husband to pick me up. i was so nervous and so excited to see her again. i knew every moment i had with her was timed, and was so delicate and precious. this time i arrived with a present for her mom. i bought her 'kyu ri' or cucumber. eriko laughed hard because she knew the meaning behind this. 'kyu ri' was the first japanese word eriko taught me in baoding, china in 2004. i handed the kyu ri to her mother and said 'mama, korewa kyu ri desu.' that was the very first sentence eriko taught me in japanese. and i repeated it over and over again everytime i saw cucumber in china. and with all the energy eriko had, she bursted out laughing. that night she was in good spirits and had good appetite. after dinner i showed her video clips that i recorded of mika's wedding. i knew it would make her laugh as i recorded it for that purpose. in the video clip, mika and her husband was in the middle of a very serious japanese ceremony and i zoomed my camera directly at her breasts because eriko always says her 'opai' breasts are too big for a wedding dress. i heard her 2nd burst of laughter while watching that video. that night i heard her laughter over and over again.  i love the ringing sound of eriko's laughter and seeing her smile. she was the most beautiful person in that room and i could not stop staring at her beauty and graciousness. she was in an especially good joking mood. i went to use her restroom, and she told her husband and yoko to pry open the door on me while i was in the restroom and to take photos of me. fortunately, i locked the door but they gave no mercy . she grilled me on how my load was. she was sick in bed but her mind was still like a child. she has not changed since Da Bai Lo, china ,and i love her for that. Before i left, she requested to record a video for my  mom. She wanted to say hi to my mom, my husband, my sister, and chicken. In the video she didnt want to send any signs of sadness, she was pure humor and all you could hear was her breathless laughter. 

Saying good bye that night was so hard for me. i hugged her, and told her how much i will miss her and how much I love her. i told her " i love you." she said "i love you too."  i said "i love you  more." she said "i love you more." i said "i love you  more more" she said "i love you more more..." back and forth we went. parting has never been harder. I held her hand and  told her I will see her soon. I saw the emptiness in her eyes . She said ok and smiled. As me and yoko headed to the door, her husband handed us our coats. the zipper on my coat was jammed. yoko bent over to help me zip my coat up. as a last attempt to see eriko laugh again, i forced yoko's head closer to my crotch. eriko laughed at the sight and quickly took out her iPhone and captured the moment.  As her husband opened the door for us, i ran back for one last hug with her. i held her hands and said "i will see you soon ok?" she just smiled and nodded. Her husband took me and yoko back to the Gotanda train station and as i stood there waiting for the train, yoko said "hanna - last chance meet eriko. we worry you. are you ok ?" i dont know how could anyone be okay. i could not hold back my tears and neither could yoko. we love this friend too much to let her go.

the next morning before my flight, I wanted to hear her voice again. I called eriko. I told her i was leaving. I told her I love her. i told her I will see her soon. and i told her what i used to say all the time when i was drunk in china 'eriko ga koishi.' i miss eriko. and that was the last thing i said to her. 

from the moment i boarded the plane til i arrived in San Diego i never stopped crying. i started to make plans to go back to Tokyo for christmas. i miss her so much. But as i was making these plans, the man above had a greater plan for eriko. 5 days after i returned to San Diego, on Sunday evening I got news that eriko had passed. 

It has been 4 days since I learned of this news. the last 4 days have gone by so slow. I have been trying to handle my emotions... trying to process and accept it. some days i just want to cry, some days i want to drink, and on rare days i am completely fine. i tell myself eriko was such a ball of happiness and she would only want her people to be positive and enjoy life. 

i try to focus on work, try to socialize, try to go out and enjoy, but deep down in side it hurts. and when night comes, when i turn off the lights for bed, when there are no noises to distract me, i lay in bed and think of eriko. i think of my last words to her. my last hug. i think of her last smile and her last laughter. i think of her eyes and how beautiful she was even while hooked to the iv and with assisted breathing. she was the most beautiful face i have ever seen.

the last 4 days, i keep reminding myself of my memories with her. my worst fear of losing her finally became reality. now i was fearing that one day i would forget her and she would be lost in my memories. there has not been a day that has gone by that i have allowed myself to not think of her. and i have not allowed myself to sleep through the night without waking up in the middle of it to think bout her. i  remember how i met her at Da Bai Lo. It was over a shot of tequila. that night i filled my fridge with all blue star beer from baoding and had a bottle of tequila for karin's birthday. I never met eriko before but she joined the  birthday party as if it were her own and together we drank, and we got drunk. the most unlikely friendship formed that night between a japanese and an american. we had a 9 year age gap, and communicated with our broken chinese, but this friendship lasted throughout the years. she made my cold and lonely year in baoding memorable. i had lunch with her and her japanese friends mika, haruka, yoko. they didnt mind that i didnt speak japnese and they didnt mind that i mooch off them. they were glad to cook for me, share their japanese snacks with  me,  and share their lunches with me. 

i will always remember how thoughtful eriko was to me in china. she saw me throwing away my tennis shoes and didnt understand why. i told her they were dirty and i needed new shoes. she told me shoes can be washed and cleaned. this concept was new to me. but before you know it, days later, she returned my tennis shoes to me and they were like brand new. memories like that are endless with her. she knew i was preparing for an exam and she would put a little paper oragami box filled with aroma therapy so that it would help me focus. and the day before the exam, she sliced me apples to ensure i had enough energy to travel to beijing for the exam. and on nights where i was bored outta my mind, i would indulge in alochol, and find myself laying in her bed chatting and falling asleep in the presence of each other's body heat. and on some nights we would cuddle because sometimes thats just how lonely a foreign country could be. so many little memories like that with eriko are so embedded in my mind. and our bond has been deeply embedded in my soul. she showed me how to love and care for someone. to an american, this is strange. i was used to being selfish, independent, and only taking care of myself and my feelings. she may not know it, but not only was she my closest friend, but she was also someone who i always looked up to for light,  and for strength. she taught me to be courageous, to be selfless, to love, to share, and most importantly, through example she taught me to  live without hesitation. 

after china, i missed her and i didnt know where the friendship was going to go...maybe to an end i thought. to my surprise 4 months right after china, she came to visit me in san diego. i had just broken up with my boyfriend at the time and was having little hope in life. she told me she was worried about me. but i never guessed she would show up in san diego. she was the highlight that october of 2005.  and 2 years later i showed up at her doorstep in tokyo. i knew she was so busy with  her job. but she always made time for me. she threw me a big reunion party at her apartment and made me feel so welcomed and so loved that week. when she had to work, she took me to her news station, showed me her work, her station, her script , and she introduced me to her coworkers, and her partner. i was so impressed. i never knew  how serious her job was and i realize how important she was. at that moment, i was so proud to be her friend and so honored that she fit me in her busy schedule. and thats how our friendship continued. we  made time for each other. whether it was in san diego, japan or china, we'd make the effort and fit it into our schedule. and everytime we met, we would laugh together, cry together, and we would make fun of each other. we would enjoy every moment together. and everytime we said good bye there were always tears in her eyes. no matter how she teased me  or how she joked with me, she was always a softy inside.

i finally learned about her cancer when we were in china together in 2010, or as eriko called it hanna and eriko's honeymoon. it was a short reunion but during that trip, she told me she had just removed one of her ovaries because it was cancerous.  her eyes were lit with  hope as she told me about her battle and her survival. she told me she was saving her other ovary for a baby in the future. that was her dream,  her only dream. i was impressed with her story and so amused with her dream. i told her i believe in her and her destiny. i told her i cant wait to see her become a mom. i promised her i would visit her and her baby in japan when that day comes. i told her "yakusoku mamoru" i will keep this promise i said. ill never forget that heart wrenching moment as tears filled her eyes and we embraced. but as  life would have its ways, it is just full of ironies. and this one i cannot seem to forgive.   

this has been the hardest news for me to accept. there has not been a day that has gone by that i did not cry, hurt, and curse cancer. sometimes life is one of the most gracious givers, and sometimes it can be the most merciless taker.  i try telling myself that eriko, being the joker she is with me, has played the ultimate joke on me this time. she wants me to remember her for life. she left first because she knows she will live in my mind and heart forever. it makes me feel better when i think of it from this angle. the good always leave young and her mission is complete - to bring joy in peoples lives, and to fill the voids in  our hearts with warmth and love. she has touched the lives of everyone she encountered. and now she has found her own peace. the time has come for the man above to request for his angel to return to his side.  

as much as i am currently hurting,  i also cannot deny that i definitely lucked out. i am so humbled and so fortunate to be blessed with her friendship.

i always love her and she will always live in my heart. 

December 20, 2013